One Half of an Awkward Conversation: Table for Mr. Sinatra

Good evening, sir. A big ring-a-ding-ding to you, too. And mademoiselle! Welcome to Toots Shor’s. Yes, quite a swinging clam-bake tonight. I hear it always is.

Table for two? I see. We’ve nothing just now. Perhaps for quite some time.

Yes, I’m sure you are ready to wet your whistles. Unfortunately, as you say, the clams are really baking, aren’t they? What name shall I put your party under?

Could you spell that for me? S-I-N-A-P-R-A. Mr. Sinapra, if I could just get you to step aside–

Oh, Sina-TRA, is it? I beg your pardon. As you can see, Mr. Sinatra, we’re rather busy at the moment. Friday night, all of Midtown swinging. So have a seat, and I’ll call you when—

Seated now? I’m terribly sorry, sir. It’s quite impossible. These good people ahead of you have been waiting– Continue reading “One Half of an Awkward Conversation: Table for Mr. Sinatra”

Humor: Mark Antony, Two Hours Before His Big Speech

“Murrayus, you have the revisions?… It’s about time. That last draft you people brought me was excrement. I’m not looking like a fool in front of the plebeians, understood? I heard Brutus practicing earlier, and he’s going to kill out there. He starts in with how much he loved Caesar, and right when he has them, he gives them the twist that he loved Rome more. By Jupiter, I want to stick it to that prig…

Yes, I know I have the Caesar’s bequest thing in my back pocket. I can’t lead with the money for everyone… I’ll tell you why not. Because if I open with money, then that’s all they’re going to hear. Instead of winning them over, my whole time will just be fielding questions about method of payment. And if I just toss it out there too soon, I won’t get full credit. Timing, gentlemen. And this credit is too damned golden to split with Brutus.

Right. Let’s run through it.

‘Romans, huddle up everybody. I have an announcement.’ 

What in Hades? This is your better opening? I need to appeal to them, dimwit… No, ‘we need to talk’ is not better. It’s wooden. Give me something sing-songy, that draws them in, to catch their ears. You know, da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM. I’m not the poet here, people. I’m a damned general and I’m on in two damned hours.

All right, from the top.

‘Huddle up, Romans. We need to talk. Forget Caesar. He was a canker-blossom.’

I cut this two drafts ago. How did canker blossom get back in here?… I don’t care how vivid the image is, you think me insulting the very man we want to rally them around really helps our cause? You think I can get the plebeians behind a canker-blossom? Do you really? You must, because here’s ‘Caesar’s a canker-blossom’ right back in the blasted speech.

Let’s keep going.

‘No, let Caesar be buried. Let my words cut him from our hearts. Let my words be the dagger thrust against Caesar’s memory, the dagger thrust against his ambition, the dagger thrust–’

Gods, what’s wrong with you people? You have me stabbing Caesar’s memory over and over with a dagger metaphor? It goes on five more times, me stabbing and stabbing Caesar’s reputation with verbal daggers… Yes, I know it’s anaphora. I’ve studied rhetoric, you imbecile. You don’t think the dagger metaphor sort of associates me with those who did the actual stabbing with the actual daggers?… No, it’s not ironic. It’s rubbish. Complete rubbish.

This needs so much work I’ll just scan the rest. Hmm hmm hmm. Oh, I see you have me calling Brutus a son of whore… You think it’s edgy? Look, I told you I wanted subtle. Things are a bit strained around the Capitol right now, as you might imagine, what with all the damned regicide! Perhaps you all would like to see me stabbed as well. Is that it?… No? I’m beginning to think you do…

For the last time, no, I won’t just go with the drachmas. It’s how I close the sale on the damned high oratory I’ve just laid on them, you know, the high oratory I’m giving in less than two hours and have yet to see from my damned speechwriters!

All right, here’s what we do. I’m on right after Brutus, yes?… Good. We’ll turn the tables on him. Let’s undercut his premise that Caesar had to be killed for the good of Rome. So what is Brutus’s logic? What’s his argument that Caesar had to go?… What do you mean you forgot? You had it in the draft of the speech! Ambition, you morons! Bring me something that shows Caesar had no such ambition… Like what? Do I really have to do all the work here?

Remember that night on the Lupercal?… Yes, it was quite a party. That’s not my point. If Caesar wanted to be king, he could have taken the crown then and there. Jupiter knows we tried to give it to him, but he turned us all down three times. Work that in. What else on ambition?… Yes, that he turned in the tribute from his conquests to our general coffers. Good. Now we’re going… An excellent charioteer? How does that apply? What else do we have? Think big… Concern for the poor, yes. More of that. Make it drip with that. We need to demonstrate that Brutus may love Rome more than he did Casear, but Brutus never loved Rome as half as much as Caesar did…

How? We take Brutus down a peg. You know, lessen the oratory by lessening the orator… No, I told you, I’m not calling him a son of a whore…  Because it’s a little direct, that’s why. And petty… Claim he wasn’t even born in Rome? Everyone knows Brutus is a Roman. How about this? What if we use Brutus’s words against him, make it seem like I’m praising him when I’m really letting him have it?… I know it’s a good idea. That’s why I said it. All right, so he’s going to say he loved Caesar. Give me something like ‘Then I guess he loved Caesar to death’… No, you can’t just use that. It’s snarky. Make it poetic, memorable… Yes, you can work in dagger references here, just not associated with me.

What else is Brutus known for?… No, other than stabbing Caesar. We just said that… His honor? Yes, he think he’s so damned honorable, doesn’t he? Play that up. We’ll show the plebes his many lapses in honor while repeating the claim that of course no one is more honorable than he. Set it up where I appeal to the crowd in sort of a building rhythm, closing with the same sarcastic shot at Brutus’s honor.… What you mean you don’t know how? It’s epistrophe, the exact opposite of anaphora. You knew how to do that.

What else?… He’s a wine connoisseur? How does bringing up that Brutus is a wine connoisseur tear him down? It insults the wine lovers among the plebes is what it does. All right, we’re short on time. If you can’t dig up some usable dirt, then run with the stabbing Caesar thing. But make him sound evil, not patriotic. I want Plebius Twowineskins out there thinking Brutus betrayed not only Caesar but all of Rome.

Now, what about omens? Can our people work up any ill portents? This can’t get traced back to me… No time? Damn. Props then. What can we do with props?… No, I’m not wearing Caesar’s mantle! That’s disgusting…Because it’s soaked in blood, idiot. Even if it wasn’t, could it be that Brutus or Cassius might take me donning Caesar’s mantle of victory as something like, I don’t know, me trying to crown myself king?… Put it on Caesar and carry him in? That is pure genius. Do we even know where the body is?… Fine, I’ll see if I can track it down.

I want you all back here in an hour with something I can actually read. I want those plebes eating out of my hand. Whoever brings me ‘canker-blossom’ will taste my whip, understood?…

If it doesn’t work? We’ll hand out the drachmas.”