A Play in One Scene: “The Ghost of Christmas Relativity”
with much love for Charles Dickens. And Doritos.
EBENEEZER SCROOGE, a recently reformed humbug
JACOB MARLEY, Scrooge’s deceased partner
WENDY, a graduate assistant
[Open to SCROOGE asleep in his bedchamber, one year after his frightful conversion to goodwill. Cue a great ringing of every bell.]
SCROOGE: [wakes] Bells? Bells again?
[Clanking of chains, doors fly open.]
SCROOGE: Marley. Hurry along, you translucent devil! I’ve feasts tomorrow, early charity, waifs and orphans and widows.
[Enter MARLEY'S GHOST]
MARLEY: How now?
SCROOGE: How now? I was sleeping, that’s how now. Speak your purpose.
MARLEY: I shall.
SCROOGE: Then proceed. In all haste.
SCROOGE: Don’t be roundabout, Jacob. Speak.
MARLEY: Ebeneezer Scrooge, expect on this night…beware, Ebeneezer…you shall…it is just…
SCROOGE: Pray, speak!
MARLEY: You shall be haunted.
SCROOGE: Haunted still? What of the flickering candle who showed me my Belle? The jolly giant who God bless led me to poor Tim? The fearful visage at my grave? Before you is no longer the miserly wretch you knew in life. You know I’ve kept Christmas. Every day.
MARLEY: Let none call that to question. Yet this very night, this Christmas Eve, comes another visitation bearing great knowledge.
SCROOGE: To what end?
[MARLEY rattles chains, lets out ghostly moan]
SCROOGE: Enough of that. Your cries hold no more terror for me.
MARLEY: No, it is just I no longer know myself, old friend. It is torture even for one so tortured.
SCROOGE: By how many shall I be haunted?
MARLEY: Oh, that I could say! Any number is as good as another it would seem. But I was summoned to bring a lady in white, who awaits even now. Be warned, Ebeneezer. The lady Continue reading