So\u00a0you want to pull an art heist.\u00a0Not the most noble of goals,\u00a0is it? Or the simplest.\u00a0I mean, if somebody could waltz into a major museum–I assume after hours is the plan–and pluck a masterpiece\u00a0off the wall, then lots of\u00a0somebodies would be waltzing and plucking masterpieces by\u00a0the\u00a0vanload.<\/p>\n
Oh, sure, there are real-life crews who\u00a0try the waltzing route, a less-delicate kind where\u00a0they bring Uzis for dance partners. Norway, 2004: a team smashes and grabs Munch’s The Scream<\/em> and The Madonna<\/em> from an Oslo museum. Norway, 2006: police smash and nab the crew and find The Scream<\/em> and The Madonna<\/em> tucked inside an Oslo\u00a0mattress<\/a>.<\/p>\n Still hot to try? Okay. I’ve done some research<\/a>\u00a0here–for authorial purposes only<\/a>, mind you–and here’s a\u00a0feel for what you’re up against.<\/p>\n Cameras. Guards. Metal detectors. Docents trained to spot bad actors.\u00a0Motion detectors. Glass break sensors. More cameras. More guards. Heat sensors. Security\u00a0doors. Silent alarms. Yet more cameras. Yet more guards. The tech they don’t tell you about. And that’s just to get at the painting. If it’s sculpture you’re after, bring a crane and winch.<\/p>\n That’s what you can rule in. Here’s what you can rule out: convenient skylights or air shafts, Batman-style tech-disabling gear, an acrobat with half a brain (or would you<\/em> train to reach the pinnacle of agility just\u00a0for the chance at uncertain paydays and associating with Uzi-toting gangsters?). Stay realistic.<\/p>\n Let’s say you hatch a brilliant\u00a0scheme, maybe blackmail an insider or stumble on that one-in-a-billion unscrupulous acrobat. Boom. You’re in. There you are, and all that stands between you and your masterpiece of choice is a hundred-pound frame secured by maze and\/or one-way screws<\/a>. We’ll assume no bullet-proof glass casing. Hell, you think, it’s canvas. Just cut it free.<\/p>\n Well, that’s an idea. And\u00a0admittedly\u00a0a crime of a century-grade idea. Boston, 1990: thieves posing as cops talk their way into the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum and made off with $500m in Rembrandts, among other pieces<\/a>.\u00a0 Boston, 2014: the FBI is still looking <\/a>for robbers and the paintings they cut from the frames.\u00a0\u00a0See, slicing a masterpiece isn’t ideal for preserving its value. Nor is rolling it up in an art tube, in case that was next in the master plan. What do you think happens to long-set\u00a0oil and canvas when you start folding?<\/p>\n Okay, so you’re standing there in a major museum foyer,\u00a080% of fresh-sliced masterpiece creaking at the rough treatment, any number of silent alarms bringing any number of squad cars swarming your way. And you get out, past the guards and cameras and security doors, past the traffic and private cameras out on the street, past random witnesses wondering who were those guys with ski masks and a canvas carrier.\u00a0 You pile in the getaway van, and off you go, hell-bent for big money.<\/p>\n Next you discover you’re not the only one with a taste for art crime. Interpol, for example,\u00a0thinks\u00a0old-fashioned heists\u00a0<\/a>have a certain je ne sais quoi. <\/em>Thanks to them every\u00a0police force\u00a0everywhere has your video footage and M.O. The Art Loss Register <\/a>has your masterpiece of choice on file, where any reputable dealer not already wondering how you came into a Pollack will find out said Pollack is as hot as the breath of the FBI on the back of your neck. You may have read right past that cautionary fact\u00a0a few paragraphs up. The FBI is still working a 1990 case in 2014.<\/p>\n That $500m payday from the Gardner heist? No evidence the crew ever\u00a0got a penny. See, you don’t sell stolen masterpieces. Who would buy it? That’s not a rhetorical question. Think long and hard about the number and sort of buyer interested in\u00a0one-of-a kind, immediately recognizable\u00a0treasures that the whole world knows\u00a0is stolen. Then think how many cents on the dollar this war lord or\u00a0“legitimate businessman” will\u00a0offer and how receptive they are to negotiation.<\/p>\n You could trade the haul for guns or similarly dicey contraband. It happens, but then I worry for the thief bringing\u00a0a Cassatt to a potential\u00a0gun fight.<\/p>\n Small wonder stolen paintings wind up at\u00a0garage sales and flea markets.<\/p>\n What you do, you ransom masterpieces back to the museum or collector. Except you’re not dealing with some committee of white-haired oldsters anymore. Nope. Now it’s the insurance company and the tiger sharks they call their recovery teams. Oh, and the freelance\u00a0bounty hunters\u00a0less than gentle in their pursuit. Heck, even the ALR is on the recovery action<\/a>. Best I can tell, the only real money seems in tracking art theft, chasing down art thieves, or paying near-zip for thieved art.<\/p>\n So. Want some good advice?<\/p>\n The best way in and out of a museum\u00a0is to buy\u00a0a ticket.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n