{"id":204,"date":"2013-11-21T22:23:50","date_gmt":"2013-11-21T22:23:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/robertmangeot.com\/?p=204"},"modified":"2014-08-31T00:56:45","modified_gmt":"2014-08-31T00:56:45","slug":"humor-open-letter-daleks-re-repeated-attempts-destroy-earth","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/robertmangeot.com\/?p=204","title":{"rendered":"Humor: Open Letter to the Daleks re: Repeated Attempts to Destroy Earth"},"content":{"rendered":"

For grins to mark the return of new Dr. Who episodes, here dusted off is my humor piece ‘An Open Letter to the Daleks re: Repeated Efforts to\u00a0Destroy Earth’<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Supreme Whoever Dalek Is In Charge, We Don’t Know Any More:<\/p>\n

Why us? Seriously?<\/p>\n

Earth science estimates 300 sextillion (1021<\/sup>) galaxies in the known universe, each galaxy containing\u00a0a stunning multitude of stars, our own Milky Way some two hundred billion (2\u00d71011<\/sup>), many upon\u00a0many containing habitable planets.\u00a0By the time the light wave \u00a0beaming this letter\u00a0reaches your planet or wherever you’re out exterminating, we will have greatly increased those counts–galaxies, stars, habitable planets–as our astronomical capabilities improve.\u00a0\u00a0But already\u00a0we\u00a0know this: there are so many stars that humanity has invented denominations like\u00a0which serve no purpose\u00a0other than counting stars. Seriously,\u00a0a guy in an astronomy lab called a buddy at the math department and said, “Hey, it’s me. We found more stars. A lot more.” And the buddy said, “How many more?” And the astronomer said, “That’s why I’m calling. We’re out of numbers.”<\/p>\n

Of course, those\u00a0estimates are just in our universe. Dalek technology, as we understand it, adds near-infinite\u00a0realities\u00a0in the space-time continuum. Even filtering out dying or uninhabitable universes, the sheer\u00a0exponential plentitude\u00a0of Dalek\u00a0targets make the odds of finding<\/em> Earth, let alone attacking us\u00a0once, let alone renewing the attack\u00a0every few years, infinitesimal.\u00a0Miniscule. Rather near zero.<\/p>\n

And yet you keep returning.<\/p>\n

We understand our cultures may be very different. To the Dalek mind, it may be perfectly acceptable to devastate other planets or exterminate indigenous species. We consider it bad form. This is not to say it does not occur here–say\u00a0wars, deforestation, pollution,\u00a0that sort of thing–but\u00a0the behavior\u00a0is still, on balance, considered uncool.<\/p>\n

Is it us? Are we a\u00a0threat to\u00a0you? It seems unlikely. Right now our\u00a0best minds in space flight\u00a0are focused on\u00a0tourism, questions such as the artificial gravity and cabin pressure required to keep the tycoon’s champagne bubbling. Our best defense against an inbound asteroid is\u00a0our NASA positing, “we might could nudge that puppy a few degrees, I don’t know.”\u00a0Yes, we sent a lander to Mars,\u00a0our probes have left the solar system, and our telescopes are mapping the depths of space. Know what we’ve found? Ever more perfectly habitable star systems your empire can just have<\/em>, no invasion or fleet maintenance, no Doctor Who run-ins, no problem.<\/p>\n

Daleks,\u00a0we are no interstellar threat. Do not mistake Star Trek<\/em> or\u00a0similar programs on our airwaves\u00a0for newsreel footage. It\u2019s just quality entertainment. Certainly someday\u00a0our popular music and talk radio beaming off the planet will be a universe-wide nuisance. For that, we apologize. But we should also point out that, one, it is\u00a0a mere nuisance easily jammed and, two, had\u00a0you\u00a0minded your own affairs and not attacked our planet,\u00a0our broadcasting\u00a0waves would still be eons upon eons\u00a0from reaching\u00a0your distant empire.<\/p>\n

So you feel compelled to exterminate.\u00a0Have you sought counseling? Our anger management therapies are quite advanced, perhaps superior to your own. We would be delighted to make\u00a0our\u00a0therapists\u00a0available to you pro bono or at very reasonable rates per hour, a bargain for both races given the alternative of another invasion attempt.<\/p>\n

If you are not yet ready for co-existence or therapy, then consider the benefits of inaction.\u00a0As already mentioned, look how we treat our planet. You don\u2019t want it. Trust us. We are the dominant species and\u00a0are doing\u00a0our damndest to exterminate ourselves. You could simply stop attacking, wait us out,\u00a0and take over after Earth has\u00a0cleansed itself of our leftover contaminants.\u00a0Why not\u00a0let us\u00a0handle\u00a0things from here? As a token of good faith, we would be willing to send you environmental\u00a0progress reports. Another important benefit of inaction, of which\u00a0no Dalek needs reminding,\u00a0should you stop attacking us, the Doctor will stop destroying you by the shipload. This will spare valuable Daleks to fight the Cybermen or impure Daleks or whoever else you\u2019re out to exterminate at the moment.<\/p>\n

Daleks, it comes down to this: you have far more to gain by not attacking Earth than ever you could achieve by a successful attack. If you refuse to accept the logic of a supposedly-lesser species, consider the cold logic of repeated failure. For so many attempts, all your treasure and shock troops sent here have ended up as so much scrap metal and space junk. And yet, it is not hard for us to picture you yet again\u00a0working yourself into a tizzy\u00a0over another invasion, knowing even as you\u00a0bleat ‘Exterminate!’ that the Doctor will–inevitably and decisively–intervene.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s another possible explanation why you keep returning,\u00a0\u00a0one you might not yet be ready to hear. You seek not to exterminate us, but to impress us. Why else the continued but\u00a0doomed attacks? You crave our attention, perhaps even our approval, and being emotionally stunted you act out: fire death rays, tear up London, ruin our Christmases. Daleks, there is\u00a0a\u00a0pattern\u00a0in psychology known as \u2018leaky behavior,\u2019 where no matter the front someone puts up, their true and honest\u00a0feelings leak out\u00a0in\u00a0actions large and small. And here you are\u00a0in your latest incarnation,\u00a0decked out like our\u00a0iPods in their fashion colors, and svelte too, trimmed down and sleek by Dalek standards. Or is there another species out in the vastness of space and time that you know to\u00a0perk up at\u00a0Daleks clad in\u00a0 designs ripped from an Apple store? One wonders, Daleks, if you want to\u00a0exterminate us or make us a playlist.<\/p>\n

Daleks, please, stop trying to wipe us from reality and just talk to us. There\u2019s a saying from a little blue planet to which somehow you always find your way back\u2013you only hurt the one you love.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

For grins to mark the return of new Dr. Who episodes, here dusted off is my humor piece ‘An Open Letter to the Daleks re: Repeated Efforts to\u00a0Destroy Earth’ Dear Supreme Whoever Dalek Is In Charge, We Don’t Know Any More: Why us? Seriously? Earth science estimates 300 sextillion (1021) galaxies in the known universe,… Continue reading Humor: Open Letter to the Daleks re: Repeated Attempts to Destroy Earth<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[8,24],"tags":[51,53,52,94,96],"class_list":["post-204","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","category-open-letters","tag-cod-science","tag-daleks","tag-dr-who","tag-humor","tag-open-letters","entry"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3CG0W-3i","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":90,"url":"https:\/\/robertmangeot.com\/?p=90","url_meta":{"origin":204,"position":0},"title":"An Open Letter: Hey, Cucumber Guy","author":"rtmcontrol","date":"October 8, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Hey Cucumber Guy: An Open Letter You, Cucumber Guy. 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